i deleted my last entry. delete delete delete! words cannot capture the shifting nature of my awareness right now. i will put my best foot forward.. and that is all.

i've become nocturnal again- just cant sleep lately. oh and my skin's gotten bad. thought i was a little old to develop acne but apparently.. not. the weird thing is i looked in the mirror one day and had a premonition that this would happen. it's the evil seeping in.. (oh but i'm sure it's just a phase:)~ *sigh*. received vortex healing from my old friend Lucy Fur. She said that the energy between my root and heart chakras kept whipping back and forth as though the two were fighting for dominance, and was not circulating properly through the rest of the body. no parasitical entities yay, my gridlines to the source were not severed but somewhat skewed. she saw major dryness in my belly and told me to drink lots of water. there was also an energy drain coming from that area which appeared as a black funnel of air and some toxic energy that had settled in the body with the potential of becoming cancerous. a bit of dread there but i was glad for this insight. i'm not super thrilled with my mental state sometimes & i don't anticipate life getting any easier but i want it to be more more PHUN dammit! noticing my desires working against me, but bold action feels good no matter what the outcome. this is a perceptual shift which i welcome, although i seem to be in between paradigms currently. currently indeed. gotta love this crazy life. what else.. oh yeah i totally suck on the radio but i'm going to keep doing it anyway. i started a new song but still need to release the rest of my old ones. some serious talent wanting to remix me too so i must not dally. i listened to a bunch of moderately successful female electronic artists tonight and decided that some of them really suck. also been listening to lots of trippy and wildly unpopular musica- in depth. sometimes it bothers me, all this unintended manifestation and panpsychic feedback phenomena- i get sick of the mirror sometimes and yearn for a simpler kind of freedom. but there is something special about it that i love.... like when she squeezes my hand so tight it feels like we're going to jump off a cliff together.

it's been over 5 years now. i am ready. also spinning at an eviction party in west oakland this friday. call me for details. ALSO this and every friday from 6-8pm... it's official. i now have a radio show on 104.1 Berkeley Liberation Radio! 150 watts of theorna in your face haha.. wtf. i don't know. if you don't live in the east bay it be interweb streamable . http://www.berkeleyliberationradio.org/home

..but through the eye of the needle there is another way, an ordering process beyond all control. where the slick don't shine! there is nothing to be lost but the thing that wants to stop it. how boring these chains of mediocrity. integrated without knowing just how deep it all goes. the shadows flicker in limbo, whispering, "we don't always want what's best for us". it is not my fear- i feel violent frustration towards it. but the demons just laugh. you can't drag an army through that needle. what can i do but sing my little song to the moon?

leigh bowery was in my dream last night. we were on some goth halloween oriented reality tv show supposedly doing performance art. of course he looked great.

subject title refers to the name of a collective zine made by S.P.A.Z.ers when we lived out by the beach a million years ago. one of the best names ever if you ask me! i want to resurrect the spirit of it somehow. seriously considering having a weekly radio show as an exploration of mutant life and culture as it evolves from my own perspective radiating outwards via guest interviews, MUSIX of course, soundclips of stuff i find interesting, crazy ramblings.. you know; experiments in expression. i'm really not the best speaker in the world so it's probably good for me to work on those atrophied critical thinking skills as well just having the confidence to be natural, silly and accepting of whatever comes out. a weekly theme seems fun. who knows what will actually happen if i decide to commit for any significant period of time. we'll seeeeeee....

my housemates cat came back today. i'm sad because it means that freya will have to be locked in the basement again- which makes her hate me :( i really do appreciate her in my life. she's been in my room all the time lately. sweet shy princess. the other cat is a fearless demanding cuddle monster. she scares the living shit out of freya and takes over the whole house. there's nothing i can do really.

grateful today for the very breath in my lungs. my heart beats. all systems appear to be functioning. in feeling cut off from the world we take so much for granted. food, water, friends! invisible streets whispering magic- i ignored the signals leading to a taste of how it feels to be REALLY cut off. i was bone dry choking and sure i was cursed to die of starvation as no water could ease the suffering in the slightest. magical symbols blazed before me as i felt the pain of so many who are forgotten and condemned from birth through death to lives of hellish torture and unspeakable oppression. forgotten by whom? i felt their hatred now split and directed against me. yet i was rescued, this time. many beautiful spirits are violently sacrificed for no apparent reason. i drink the worlds tears.


 

from zombiemermaid 

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!

My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
* What I create will be with you in mind.
* It'll be done sometime this year (2009).
* You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be something written, some physical thing made, could be anything at all, but I will make it myself. It's entirely my choice what it is. No quibbles, no refunds.
* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
The catch?

Oh, the catch is that you put this in your journal as well. If you don't, you don't get anything.

not ok with how i am right now. shitty sounding music reflects this. i start to create and then suddenly feel so lonely it's ridiculous. no company could ever fill this void. the resistance to any kind of progress is truly astounding. it needs to be repaired on the deepest fundamental level. lighting a match is pointless. there's nothing here. shhhh.. it's going to be alright.

got some serious percolation on at the pirate radio station tonight.. serious. hard timez. nonetheless! dirty made me blush, i made cat stickers at katabatik, got some more tattoo filled in (unfortunately i liked it so much better before. fuck! *grrrr*) and well, i'm gonna play at m0n5t3rs of 1oVe whatever the fuck numeral we're on now. going for the shockingly brutal seduction of all y(our) fucking bullshit. into the rat infested compost heap-  no wait.. into the 5shop greywater... of love! (will probably be perceived as some kind of unrelenting unendurable torture). and yes, i like to cuddle afterwards.

music: beggin' - frankie valli (pilooski edit)

see the bridge in the background by those smokestacks? well right under there is where i grew up and am kicking it right now. the Chrysler building still my favorite in the Manhattan skyline..

had a fun and enlightening solstice chilling with an old friend. we watched a doc. about monkey behavior and talked about the Qabalah and other stuff that i don't get to talk about much with others. visited another old friend the next day who i hadn't seen in a decade. people here are really into their own lives and don't come together much. i like getting this different perspective sometimes. in California, so many of my friends seem to be in the same reality bubble and i think it's a pretty good one, but i am changing so much of late, in ways that can only be understood experientially. yet communication seems to be a big part of why i am here on this planet, and in balancing out some of my own inner conflict i am starting to find it easier to express deeper things to people of different mindsets in a clearer, more lucid way. i wish to be at home wherever i am. adaptable. streamlined. the beloved egoiste doth protest: "oh but i am soooo serious like this- what will become of my precious sense of humor?" *sigh* it comes from the SOUL darlings, in deep and hearty laughter which cannot be contained!! it rattles walls, smashes windows. plasma screen TVs start to bubble and melt! policemen start chasing windmills! who is this memester accessing code with intelligence completely unrelated to self? i KNOW that it seems like some psychotic delusion. it comes with the territory and honestly- it 's disturbing to even mention such things. so.. not... me. thinking is a brick wall. yet something tells me that there can be no room for doubt.

and some times are so excruciatingly painful that i want to scream and tear at myself or do ridiculous desperate things. usually they come out of dreams like a violent stormy sea and sometimes just out of nowhere. i don't have a plan. gave up on choices to ride the intuitive current for awhile and see what happens. i try to plant good seeds and water them and send them love. besides, normal social games bore me. monkey poop! don't hate the monkey though, really. i wish everyone a merry fucking xmas!

you can download it free @ spaz.org
look for th.o.th in new audio
more to come - i'm off to NY now..

one of these days i'm gonna try that coffee enema

mood: dirty music: necrosluts - signals through the flames